Edmonton has an elk problem
That's what visitors say. Loud, rude, always in the way. Stick around a minute. The real problem is they never quit.
Complaint #1
“He takes up the whole train.”
He does. He's also the one holding the doors at minus 34 so nobody misses the 6:10.
Complaint #2
“He's so loud.”
Thirty-one years on the tools and he's never missed a shift. When he bugles at noon, the whole crew eats.
Complaint #3
“He wrecked aisle nine.”
Then he paid for every can, bought salt for the whole block and did Mrs. Kowalchuk's walk on the way home.
Complaint #4
“He takes three stalls.”
Because he's feeding everybody in all three. Nobody leaves his tailgate hungry. Not even you.
Loud. Stubborn. Loyal to the bone.
Minus thirty, down three scores, wind coming in sideways. He's still standing. That's not an elk problem. That's Edmonton.
Loud. Stubborn. Yours.
YOU ARE
THE ELK PROBLEM.
The film is his story. This one is yours. Pick your place in the herd, make your card, and put the group chat on notice.
Make your Herd Card
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Open my card link ↗MADE FOR THE GROUP CHAT.
For the visiting section
GOOD FANS.
QUESTIONABLE TEAMS.
A little rivalry. A lot of respect. Save your best volume for the game.
“Nice horse. Does it know the way home after a loss?”
Useful before the noise
GET YOUR HERD
TO COMMONWEALTH.
The best game-day plan is the one everyone can find. Set the meet-up, sort the ride, and let the official sources handle dates and tickets.
The six-point pregame
0 / 6 ready
A visitor's guide to the herd
You will meet one. Here is how to survive it, and why you'll end up liking him.
- He will judge your winter tires.
- Out loud. Then he'll pull you out of the ditch anyway and refuse the twenty.
- Never touch his thermos.
- Nobody knows what's in it. At minus forty he'll pour you a cup without asking.
- If he bugles, bugle back.
- That's how you tell him you're from here now. He'll remember you.
- Do not bring up last season.
- He was there. Every single week of it. That's the point.
The complaints line
Every complaint about an elk comes with a follow-up. Read both.
- Whyte Ave, 1:14 a.m.Bugling at a food truck until it gave him a free poutine.Walked three strangers home afterward. All the way home.
- Anthony Henday, 7:52 a.m.Left lane, antlers out the window, would not explain himself.Pulled over to push a minivan out of the ditch. Late for work. Never mentioned it.
- Mill Woods, 5:40 a.m.Snowblowing the entire cul-de-sac before sunrise.Every driveway on it. Nobody asked him to.
- Sherwood Park, SundayTold a man his lawn was garbage.Came back Saturday with his own aerator.
- Jasper Ave, 11:48 p.m.Victory parade of one. After a loss.Says it counts. Honestly? It counts.
The herd code
- Show up early.
- Stay loud.
- Shovel the neighbour's walk too.
- Never leave before the final whistle.
- Win or lose, back next week.
Visitors call it an elk problem. Around here we call it showing up.
Add yours
When the home side scores, the whole city hears it. Go on. Nobody's going to complain. Well, somebody will.
“He snowblows his whole driveway onto mine and bugles at my kids. Then my truck died at 3 a.m. and he drove me to work. I can't stand him. He's family.”
The herd has ideas
WHAT SHOULD
WE MAKE NEXT?
A better game-day tool? A joke only Edmonton gets? Tell the independent site desk. We will not post your story or name without asking.
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